A Playlist For The Jerk Who Stole My iPod

Hi, how are things? Enjoying the summer? We've had a pretty good string of nice days lately. Let's hope it continues.

Anyway, enough small talk. Lets get down to business. I suppose you're wondering why i am writing this to you. I want to talk to you about my iPod. You stole it out of my car on Sunday night.

Remember? Maybe not, since you've probably been stealing iPods out of peoples cars since you were a wee little asshole. Well, you'll remember mine if for no other reason than it was filled to the brim [all 30 gigs of it] with some pretty stellar music. If you haven't already sold it to some unsuspecting tourist or one of our less than honest pawn shops, [so you can support your crack habit or whatever it is that makes you steal other peoples stuff] you should pop in some headphones and flip through some of the tunes.

I've picked out a number of specific songs that i'd like you to listen to. Lets call it a custom playlist, and we'll label it "For the Jerk Who Stole my iPod". I've also included a few notes on each song:

1. Ben Folds - Bastard.
Ah Ben Folds. He writes some great poppy tunes. By the way, this song is about you.

2. The Ramones - Beat on the Brat.
Gotta love the Ramones. While you are listening to this tune, you should imagine yourself as the 'Brat' and imagine me as the one beating on you with a baseball bat. 'Oh yeah, oh yeah, uh-oh!"

3. Kings of Leon - Four Kicks.
I love this band. I think they are destined to be one of the great rock bands of the next couple of years. PS - the 'four kicks' are from me to you and your greasy little head.

4. Pavement - Heaven is a Truck.
.. and i hope it hits you.

5. Social Distortion - 99 to Life.
If you continue on with your life of crime, this is sure to be your anthem:
Lonely weekends, baby lonely
Nights the judge he gave me,
Ninety nine to life.

Though i suppose since we live in Canada, that is more like to be 2 years less a day.

6. Sufjan Stevens - Say Yes to Michigan!
You should take Sufjans advice... and move to Michigan.

7. The Who - Baba O'Riley.
The greatest rock song ever written. No lesson here, other than you're probably used to listening to Limp Bizkit remixes, so i thought you might like to hear a real rock song.

8. The Tragically Hip - Locked in the Trunk of a Car.
Saw the Hip over the Canada Day weekend - they were amazing. While listening to this song, i would like you to imagine yourself as the one locked in the trunk of a car, while I, the driver, take you to the sewage treatment plant on Riverside Drive. I will then park the car there.. forever.

9. The Clash - Career Opportunities.
Who doesn't love the Clash? Probably you. I'm guessing you're a Fallout Boy fan. Or maybe Good Charlotte. They both suck.. like you. Anyway, you should consider some Career Opportunities other than iPod stealing. Get a job and McDonalds and buy your own damn iPod.

10. Guided By Voices - Kicker of Elves.
While listening to this song you should imagine yourself as the Elf, and i as the kicker of elves.

11. My Morning Jacket - At Dawn.
Just a beautiful song by one of my favorite bands. Maybe i'll leave the stereo on while you are locked in the trunk of my car and you can listen to it. It will be soothing.

12. The Hold Steady - Hornets!Hornets!
I hope you are allergic.

13. Johnny Cash - Dirty Old Egg Suckin Dog.
I think we both know who the Dirty Old Egg Suckin Dog is:
Egg-suckin' dog
You're always hangin' around
But you'd better stay out of my hen house
You dirty old egg-suckin' hound

14. Tom Petty - Don't Come Around Here No More.
Seriously, go away.

15. Steve Earle - Over Yonder [Jonathan's Song]
One of the saddest songs ever written. I just want you to listen to it because i know it will make you cry like a little iPod stealing baby.

16. Joel Plaskett Emergency - In Need Of Medical Attention.
After all the kicking, baseball bat beating, hornet stinging, locked in the trunk of a car goodness this playlist has in store for you, you will most definitely be in need of medical attention.

Thanks for listening. Good luck with the rest of you stupid crime infested life.

Sincerely,

The guy whose iPod you stole.

Comments

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Charles - July 15, 2008 12:56 PM

Hmm, not bad, but needs some comedy. I'd recommend "I Hope You Die" by John Wing (often misattributed to Rodney Carrington) and "Boot To the Head" by The Frantics. Both Canadian acts, for that extra-patriotic vigilante effect.

Alan Houser - July 15, 2008 1:24 PM

http://www.creativecomponent.com

Great list! I should make a Flickr list for the guy who stole my camera.
{sent here by db - like your site!}

i know how you feel....... - July 16, 2008 2:59 AM

some asshole stole my ipod out of my car on the same day as yours. I'm pissed too. So pissed in fact that i googled asshole who stole my ipod (because clearly that will help my situation....). Effin ipod thieves.

Marc Musial - July 16, 2008 9:30 AM

http://newedge.locals.ca

I'd throw some of Dennis Leary's Asshole on there as well.

Thats brutal dude.

Sarah - May 17, 2009 3:16 AM

Definitely add in "I'll Be Glad When You're Dead" by Louis Prima.

anthony - August 4, 2009 7:10 AM

I admit, I have not been on this webpage in a long time... however it was another joy to see It is such an important topic and ignored by so many, even professionals.
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Jessica - August 28, 2009 3:04 AM

It's not the best way to get your ipod back. The criminal who stole your ipod probably is to poor to buy a computer. people who steal will do it again and again. There fate in the long run will be three folds in some way shape or form. I'm sorry to hear how much that hurt you for you to vent in abusive anger. I hope you get the best ipod ever